Russia- Land of Smiles and Candy

Since I am ill, I have spent much of the weekend watching films and sneezing.

Russian films are depressing. Russian war films are really depressing, especially if they're based on historical events. I quite liked the handful of Russians I've actually met and they all seemed a lot more fun than the Finns they worked for. It seems really rather unfair that as a nation their history is like one big long miserable Blues song with Vodka standing in for Bourbon and all to the sound of Balalaikas rather than the Steel Guitar.

Case in point: Compare and Contrast "Saving Private Ryan" and "Fortress of War" (AKA "The Brest Fortress"). Spoilers abound:

Saving Private Ryan:

• Omaha Beach is a horrible nightmare but the beach is taken. Watch out Hitler, Uncle Sam is comin'! (also those rubbishy British and Commonwealth types, but they don't count)
  
• Tom Hanks nearly gets squished by a tank.
• Most everyone dies, but Ryan is saved. Mission Accomplished!

Fortress of War:

• The Siege of the Fortress is a horrible nightmare but... actually, it's just a horrible nightmare followed by four more years of horrible nightmare where twenty million more Soviet soldiers and civilians die. Nobody even knows about the defender's desperate attempts to hold out until the nineteen fifties, after Stalin's safely dead and isn't likely to get all elevated if people mention how badly the whole Buddies-With-People-Who-Hate-Communists thing went on.
  
• Everyone dies (including women and children), bar the Orphan boy and the one guy who knew the Nazis were going to attack and that the fortress is unprepared. He spends years in a POW camp and is kicked out of the Communist party after the war for being taken prisoner and not dying. Even the fat, jolly NKVD commander who randomly dances at people and is very kind and understanding to the guy who is going to be put on trial (and no doubt shot in the face) for spreading alarmist rumours about an impending attack from Uncle Joe's Bessie Mate Hitler, even he dies.
  
• The Orphan boy (who is an orphan) has his brother, his girlfriend and his tuba shot and killed. Basically everyone he has ever known at all dies horribly.
  
• Also, he is deafened by a bomb.
• Lots of people, mostly civilians, actually do get squished by a tank. 
• Mission not accomplished.

Come on Russia; let's have a single century where the average citizen's life isn't one long depressing miserable misery. Also, stop trying to defeat attacking troops by RUSHING OUT FROM HARD COVER in an attempt to bash men with MACHINE GUNS in the face with spades and WINDOW FRAMES.