Sneezing and Giggling

Today I am unusually cheerful, all the more so, since I seem to have developed a cold.

Earlier in the month I applied for a C# programming job and was asked in to take a technical test. The test itself turned out to be a general programming aptitude test with a made-up language, so the week of C#/.NET revision that I'd done wasn't particularly useful, although I thought it might be handy for any subsequent interview and kept at it as I was sort-of getting in to the whole C#/.NET thing, mostly because Visual Studio 2010 is an absolute joy to use compared to the tools I'd been used to in my old job.

Basically, I was getting carried away with the way autocomplete meant I only needed to type about a third of the code, but I digress.

At the beginning of this week, I got a call back saying that I'd done well on the test and that they would like me to come in for an interview. The strange thing was that when the email confirmation arrived for the interview, it was saying that I'd be interviewing for a Java role. I queried this, and was told that it was indeed a Java position, and was I okay with that?  I was, because I've done Java Micro Edition before (this isn't Micro Edition work, mind) and I was getting a little tired of the way a lot of C#'s keywords are in there not to help the compiler compile, but to prove to the compiler that the programmer isn't a complete idiot and actually understands what it is that their code is doing (for example having to explicitly add the override keyword to functions that override a virtual function in the base class. The compiler doesn't need it- C++ manages just fine without it- but it forces programmers to acknowledge that they're masking an inherited function by hitting them with compile errors if they leave it off).

The only problem with the sudden shift to Java was that I wouldn't have time to do any Java revision, and Java Micro Edition is a massively cut-down version of Java, especially in the CLDC/MIDP profiles used on phones. I was worried that any technical questions would deal with aspects of Java that I simply hadn't needed to deal with on mobiles, such as the collections framework. I know it's there on Real Java, I know what it does and how it uses generics, but I can't say I've ever written code with it. On a mobile, you have to use the rubbishy old Vector class and the like, which isn't type-safe and therefore makes baby Jesus cry.

Aaaanyway, I went to the interview without any massively high hopes and had a good long chat with the two chaps I'd be working with on a daily basis. I explained where I was at with Java, answered a couple of technical questions, and they said that with the amount of C++ experience I have, it won't be an issue. After an hour or so of that, they went outside "for a chat" and asked me if I wouldn't mind sitting another test, this being a language-and-number-skills fifty questions in fifteen minutes sort of thing. I didn't mind, sat the test and was then asked if I had time for a chat with the Boss of Bosses. I agreed and he talked me to death for an hour before they let me loose with the reassurance that I'd done "really well" on the second test and that I'd hear from them by Monday.

It wasn't until I got home until I remembered Monday is a bank holiday.

Friday afternoon, as I'm walking in through the front door after having gone out for some dog food for the idiot dogs, my mobile goes. It's the people I interviewed with and I immediately think they're ringing me up to tell me that they won't be proceeding etc, etc, etc. Instead, they offer me the job!

The paperwork is in the post and once it arrives, I'll be arranging a starting date. No more dole posts! (hopefully)

Idiot Detection, CERN-style.

So, I'm filling out a job application at the CERN website and I click on the drop-down box for "How did you learn about job or training opportunities at CERN?" and what do you suppose the first two options are?

• Angels and Demons - Book
• Angels and Demons - Film

 Oh, that wacky Dan Brown!

Plumbing the depths

Last night was fun. I've posted before about the shonky quality of the pipework in my house, but that was all winter freeze-associated, I don't know what triggered last night's water torture.

And water torture it was; it started out as the drip-drip-drip of the classic Chinese method but thanks to some help by yours truly, it rapidly graduated to out and out water-boarding.

Note to any "But water-boarding isn't torture" apologists reading this. Yes it is. It was certainly torture enough for the Americans to charge Japanese soldiers with war crimes for performing it on US servicemen during world war two, so what's changed since then? Don't give me that "post-9/11 world" nonsense either; it's all an excuse to do things in direct contradiction to our society's moral values whilst hiding the hypocrisy behind a fig-leaf of spin and weasel words. If you are going to torture people, at least have the moral courage to admit that's what you're doing, instead of sounding like a six-year old making excuses for why their baby sister has a black eye.

Aaanyway, plumbing.

Misery loves company

New government figures show that Computing grads are less likely to find work  (17% unemployed) than Media Studies graduates (14%).

On the one hand, it's a shocking indictment at how the recession and outsourcing have affected computing and IT in this country, on the other hand, it's not just me who can't get a job. Yaaay!

Now I feel marginally better at having to apply for helldesk jobs at less than half my former salary. 

Thanks be to The Register who clued me in to this cheering news. 

Profoundly Helpful

I'm having bags of fun in my ongoing quest to find work. Due to my ongoing failure to find gainful employment thanks to (presumably; maybe I just generally suck) an extremely niche and slightly outdated skillset (nine years C++ for mobile phones running Symbian/S60 when 90% of the programming jobs market seems to be C# and Java for web development), it's been suggested that I try to consider other areas of employment I wouldn't mind working in.

What, like being an Astronaut? I've always wanted to be a spaceman.

No, something more realistic.  How about customer services?

How about you just go find a big old rock and hit me in the head with it until I stop thrashing? That'd be a lot less messy and painful in the long-term, trust me.

I've done customer services and I've done helldesk roles and I hated every single moment of it. I hated getting blamed for other people's problems when I'm there to help them fix it, I hated dealing with people who were congenitally incapable of following simple instructions and yet who still somehow managed to earn an order of magnitude more than me. I hated getting left to clean up the mess because some salesman completely misrepresented the product and the customer was finding out just how badly they'd been done over. Basically, I hated dealing on a day-to-day basis with people who made me feel miserable about my job and by extension, myself.

Ooo, poor baby Zinc has to face up to living in the Real World where life isn't all butterflies and sugarplums! Well, sod you. I was good at my job and I achieved real success and it didn't matter in the end because some suit-wearing turds decided that a few more percentage points of profit could be made by closing our offices and transferring all the work to somewhere where the cost of engineering slaves is lower, even though there's no experience in the kind of work that we do... did. The point is, I'm sick of always having to eat it when the suited classes start dishing it out. I'm sick of the fact that no matter how well I do, I'm still at the mercy of someone whose response to problems they themselves created is to fire all the people who do the actual work when in a just world, they'd be beheaded at the shareholder's AGM and their pitch-coated head would be stuck on a spike in reception as a warning to others.

Anyway, as the result of a promise to my useless-but-tries-hard employment advisor, I have been trying to see how my skills might be repurposed for other avenues of employment. One of the ways I did this was to do the online Skills assessment at Direct.gov's Skills Accounts website

After an hour or so of answering various on-line questionnaires and whatnot, I got some suggested jobs that someone with my skillset might be interested in. Top of the list?

Computer Programmer.

So very helpful.

Graceful Degradation

Hooray for the latest, greatest indignity of being on t' dole:

• I am out of toilet paper.

• I cannot afford more toilet paper until the government pays me some more Jobseeker's allowance, which will happen on Monday.

• It will take until Wednesday at the earliest for the money to actually be cleared into my account.

What am I doing about it (aside from desperately trying to get a job)? Well, in the medium term, the fact I can't afford food either is helping somewhat. In the short term? I may have a solution for that too.

Adventures in interviewing; also, locks.

Today has not been a good day.

I was supposed to be interviewing for a position up in County Durham today, but a lack of properly defined processes got in the way.

At least that's my excuse.

What happened? Well, for a start, the JobCentre failed to meet a defined constraint by paying my Jobseeker's Allowance on time, meaning I didn't have any money for travel. At the moment, thanks to the Flexible New Deal, I have to pay travel expenses out of my own pocket and then give receipts in order to get reimbursed, which is assuming the FND provider in question has any money in petty cash, because if they don't, well they won't.

This led to a failed early GO/NOGO decision gate and caused an unplanned mission hold prior to FINAL COMMIT until I scrounged up enough pennies for Diesel, with the decision gate only being passed quite literally at the last possible minute. Unfortunately in the mad panic, a critical flaw in the whole procedure arose.

When changing into my interview attire, I neglected to pick up my keys.

Locking yourself out of the house is never good. It is doubly not good when you need to be somewhere else in order to secure your financial future, whose present parlous state means you can't afford a locksmith or replacement glass for a punched-out window.

End solution: Rapid application of Human Resources to Technical Problem. I shoulder-barged the door.

Springing the door was surprisingly easy. Worryingly so, in fact. Remarkably little damage was done to the door frame; a couple of longer screws should fix things right up, along with some no-more-nails or Polyfilla, perhaps.

I wonder if I should add "Intrusion Specialist" to my CV and go for a job in Internet Security?

Things to do on a limited budget

Hey kids, try parking your car on single yellow lines when visiting the dole office, because you can't afford the £4.50-an-hour that the closest car park charges.  If fortune favours you, you'll get the heady rush of adrenaline that you used to get from stealing all the jaffa cakes from the biscuit jar at work; if fortune forsakes you, you'll lose half your week's dole money in parking fines (assuming you pay within the 1/2-price discount period) and have something to blog about that doesn't involve scripting languages.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

Today's episode of Dole Cuisine brings you Spamcetta Bolognese with wholewheat fusili.

You will need the following ingredients:

• 1x 200g can of Spam (actually 250g as they have a 25 percent extra free deal at the mo)
• 150g of wholewheat fusili (if it's been open in the cupboard for a while, be sure to pick out any biscuit weevils)
• 1 jar Bolognese Sauce (Tesco often do 2 for £1 deals on Ragu or what-have you)

Serves 2, but let's face it, it serves just you over two consecutive nights, you sad loser.

Put a big pan of salted water on to boil for the pasta, then while that's doing, cut the Spam into little rectangles about 1cm by 0.5cm.  

Sautee the Spam in a frying pan with the fat from the weekend's fried egg-and-ketchup sandwich. You're aiming for the Spam to start turning crispy and yum, as well as for some of the fat in it to drain out.  When done, leave on some kitchen towel to drain some of the fat off.

Once the water is boiling, throw in the pasta and bring back to the boil for about 10-12 minutes (eleven minutes is a good aimpoint)

Four minutes or so from the end of the pasta cooking time, chuck the bolognese sauce in another pan and add the spam.  Set the heat to "eh, that looks sort of moderate" and heat without letting it boil.  Be sure to stir regularly to stop it burning and to bring the spam-sauce mixture to a state of maximum entropy.

Drain the pasta, mix in the sauce/spam and serve.  Goes well with red wine, white wine, vodka, gin, buckfast, methylated spirits and that big bottle of Tia Maria that mum used for her New Year's Black Russian.  All mixed up in a big jug.

Actually, Spamcetta Bolognese is really nice.  Far nicer than it has any right to be.

Tomorrow's recipe: Spam and Super Noodles.